Everybody likes to have a little drink now and again and sometimes a little drink turns into a big drink and a bigger drink and a bigger drink and then you forget because you had too many. Being drunk is hilarious, but only when it’s not you. I’m just going to go ahead and give you a few examples of stupid things that can happen when you’re drunk:
1. What colour are men’s penises?
The first time I ever got drunk was at a sleepover. We had a variety of drinks, I was drinking Jack Daniels and the occasional glass of cheap blue WKD (cheap as in not WKD but close enough). When my friend asked for more blue drink I decided to make a cocktail…out of everything. There was the blue stuff, some rasberry stuff, Jack Daniels, scnaps, pepsi, lemonade and possibly cherry. It went green which I thought was weird. Imagine drinking industrial strength alcohol. That’s what it tasted like. So then we were all pretty drunk and I just came out with it. What colour do you think men’s penises are? And that’s how we found out what kind of drunk I was.
2. The Bus Driver Incident
For a very long time I prided myself on never having forgot anything through drinking, right up until I did forget something. But I was wrong. Apparently I drank my vodka, Nik’s wine and Jayde’s whisky (I didn’t just drink it, they gave it to me first). I remember waiting at the bus stop to go to the university’s club because I told a girl from my Chemistry course I recognised her and she asked me if I was drunk. I remember being on the bus and trying to hide from a camera. I remember being at the club and being so tired I left after twenty minutes. I don’t remember getting there and I don’t remember telling the bus driver that my friend had a carrot willy.
3. Being really ill
After drinking too much I spent two hours alternating from trying to get into my pyjamas and go to bed to throwing up. I thought I was dying but I was too drunk to actually care. Little did I know my friend was doing exactly the same across the hall, but she had an audience. I remember throwing all my clothes onto the floor, but when I woke up my trousers were inexplicably on my chair on the other side of my room. Do this day I don’t know what happened and I assumed someone came into my room even though the door was locked.
4. Arguing with people at a wake
Or whatever you call drinks after a funeral. I spent a good ten minutes arguing with my uncle about him driving after he’d had a drink, even though he was under the limit. Then I told my great uncle, who didn’t remember me even though I brought him birthday cake last year, that he must have been cool when he was in the army. Then I tried to explain that he couldn’t drink three whiskies and drive because if the car crashed and set on fire the alcohol in his blood would cause him to set on fire.
5. People let weird people dance at you
At a Christmas party, my friend started dancing with a guy she just met, leaving me to get danced at by a weird guy. I don’t know why he wanted to dance with me, I do not have a sexy dance, I look like a dick when I dance. But no, when everyone was drinking earlier they all said I should wear the lowish-cut top and that, my friends, is why he wanted to dance with me. Because thanks to alcohol I had boobs.
6. People get paranoid
I’ve been told I look shifty. It’s true, though I wasn’t sure why. It might have been the long black coat or the fact that I approached the woman while scratching my chin or maybe I just am shifty. But when my friend got drunk I was no longer shifty, in her eyes I was a pervert. She was drunker than I have ever been. She collapsed on me and pushed me off the sofa while she tried to show me photos from her night out. Then I told her to pull her skirt down because she was flashing her knickers. From then on all she seemed to be able to say was, “Stop looking at my knickers, Jess.” I was just trying to ask her about her night out, but no I was looking at her knickers. At one point she told me off and I wasn’t even in the room.
So don’t get drunk, just get tipsy it’s safer.