For what you are about to read, I am truly sorry, but hey, all that bad grammar and hideous ‘hip’ talk is in good fun.
*Warning! The following contains strong language themes which may be ideologically sensitive.*
Day One in the Big Greek Brother Labyrinth and the Minotaur has entered the diary room. Minotaur, Big Greek Brother would like you to tell us about yourself.
“Yo, yo! What up bitches? The name’s Asterion, I’m like The Shining Star, you know what I mean? So like, I am totally psyched to be here in the Big Greek Brother Labyrinth. I am so going to own this Labyrinth, you know what I mean? The prize is like, already in the bag, don’t even bother sending the other contestants in, they’ve got no chance. I’m gonna chew ’em up and spit ’em out, you get me? I’ve never even heard of half these guys anyway. I mean, like, one guy’s meant to be, like, a totally awesome musician but, like I’ve never even heard of him. The only one I do know is like the son of the guy who made the Labyrinth, Ike or Iskar or Ikaros maybe, I dunno. I’m just hoping for some hot bitches to come through those doors, cos no one can resist The Shining Star. I didn’t just get a bull’s head, if you know what I mean.”
The Minotaur has left the diary room and the rest of our contestants have arrived in the Big Greek Brother Labyrinth and are chatting to each other. Orpheus, please make your way to the diary room and tell Big Greek Brother about yourself.
“Dude, this place is totally rad, I like can’t believe we got on the show! So, OK, my name is like, Orpheus, you’ve probably heard of me and my amazing musical skills. I’ve like just released my new album and it is totally going to number one by like next week. Like, every girl in Greece has probably bought it by now because they like love me. I mean, dude, not only am I amazingly talented, I’m also like so hot. You just ask my girlfriend, Eurydice, she is like totally in love with me. I mean like, dude, we’re getting married on the show, I mean like, how rad is that? All the other contestants are invited, but like none of them are as hot as me so I won’t get upstaged at my own wedding, I mean like, dude, how lame would that be? Anyway can I like go now, cos that Minotaur dude was like totally hitting on Eurydice when I left and he is like, super ugly. I’m not worried he’s gonna take my girl, I’m way hotter anyway, I just like hate people drooling over her cos it is so not cool.”
While musician Orpheus goes to have words with the Minotaur, fan girl Eurydice has entered the diary room. Eurydice, Big Greek Brother would like to know what your first reactions to the Labyrinth are.
“O. M. G! I like totally can’t believe I’m here. We like watch this show like all the time and I told Orpheus he should like totally sign us up and like for once he actually listened to me and like here we are. And like, oh my Gods, isn’t Orpheus just like so gorgeous, I mean like have you heard him play? Oh my Gods it’s like being carried to Olympus on the wind, it’s like so amazing. Oh my Gods, you will be totally blown away when he plays at our wedding. Can you like, believe it? Little being getting married to like the Orpheus, it’s like every girl’s dream. I just hope that like the rumours about that Satyr aren’t true. Is he like actually going to be on the show or is everyone just saying he is to like freak me out, cos it is totally working. I’ve like got enough to worry about with that massive like bull guy without that little pervert like crashing my wedding. Like who invited that bull thing on the show anyway? Like, oh my Gods, I’d feel sorry for him but every time I look at him I just want to like throw up and gouge my eyes out. I’m just glad that like Orpheus is here, at least I’ll still get to look at his gorgeous body all day.”
Day Four in the Big Greek Brother Labyrinth and Orpheus and Eurydice are preparing for their wedding tomorrow. King Midas is preparing some gold cutlery for the wedding feast. Midas, please make your way to the diary room and tell Big Greek Brother how you feel about this wedding.
“You want to know how I feel about this wedding? Err, hungry, yeah hungry. I, err, haven’t eaten in, err, three? five? yeah, five days. I, err, made the mistake of asking my daughter to feed me and she, err, she screamed at me. Yeah, she said I wasn’t an invalid so, err, so I could feed myself. Then she slapped me and, err, I grabbed her hand so she wouldn’t do it again. That, err, that wasn’t my best idea ever because she, err, she started turning to gold and she, err, started screaming at me and telling me I was a, err, stupid greedy bastard? yeah that’s right, a stupid greedy bastard. So, err, that hurt and when she was completely turned to gold she, err, she still looked furious so, err, so I sold her on, err, εBay rather than look at that face all day. Well actually I, err, I had to get someone else to do it because I, err, I turn everything into gold and, err, apparently things don’t work when they’re, err, gold. So, err, please, please get someone to feed me before I starve and I, err, hope the wedding is a success because they’re, err, they’re a nice couple and, err, Eurydice? yeah, Eurydice seems like a nice girl, not an ungrateful bitch like my daughter, Hades rest her soul. So, err, yeah I’ll pay you in golden spoons to feed me so, err, just think about it.”
Day seven in the Big Greek Brother Labyrinth and the housemates are cleaning up the Labyrinth. Minotaur, please make your way to the diary room and tell Big Greek Brother what you think of the past two days’ events.
“Well shit, it’s been like bat shit crazy here! First there was the wedding which, you know, was a pretty bitchin’. Orpheus was totally rocking out on stage, Eurydice looked so hot in her wedding dress and I’d drank like five kegs of White Bull so I was going bat shit crazy everywhere! Then Big Greek Brother said, like ‘Yo bitches! We got a challenge for Eurydice!’ Turned out they’d got some weird little goat guy to chase her round the Labyrinth. I’ve never seen a bitch get so mad, you know what I mean? She was like foaming at the mouth! Word on the street is that the goat guy had been stalking her for like years. I don’t really blame him cos that bitch is fine! So like, he was chasing her and she like stamped on a snake. Well the snake just went totally ape shit and bit the shit out of her foot. It was hilarious until she like died. That really put a downer on the party, you know what I mean? So Big Greek Brother gave Orpheus this crazy challenge where, like, he had to go to hell and get Eurydice back from Hades who’s like a producer or something. So like Hades threw in this extra condition that Orpheus couldn’t look at Eurydice until she was back in the world of the living. I mean, how do you not look at someone that fine? Orpheus like failed the challenge. He was like so close too, which made it kinda funny. Then a shitload of groupies broke into the Labyrinth. They went bat shit crazy on his ass and ripped him to shreds. I mean like literally tore him limb from limb. But hey, that’s two contestants down and I’m like still here! Bitchin’!”
Day nine in the Big Brother House and the Minotaur is trying it on with Ariadne right in front of her boyfriend Theseus. Ikaros is crying and vomiting in the diary room. Ikaros, come out of the corner and tell Big Greek Brother what’s wrong.
“I want to go home! I don’t like it here anymore. It was fun at first but then people started dying and…and… I wanna go home! Did you see when Eurydice was bitten by that snake? Her foot swelled so much it might as well have belonged to titan! I threw up so much I was spewing up my insides. And when those crazy groupies broke in and tore Orpheus to shreds…oh my Gods there was so much blood! I got in the face with the bloody end of his arm. I swear to the Gods I threw up one of my kidneys. Oh Gods I feel sick just thinking about it. There was enough blood then to fill the sea! And then yesterday…oh my Gods, yesterday I found Midas in the kitchen. He was just a skeleton holding a golden pork chop, it was awful. Oh Gods, I’m a Greek Myth, get me out of here! Oh Gods that’s the wrong game show. I just wanna go home. My dad built this Labyrinth, surely the producers could pull some strings for me. What did I do to deserve this? Is it because I kept feeding my vegetables to the dog? I swear to the Gods I’ll eat my vegetables and do all my chores and donate everything I own to the Temples if you’ll just let me leave! Please Gods, I just wanna go home. Oh I’m gonna be sick!”
Day eleven in the Big Greek Brother Labyrinth and Ariadne is having a bath with Theseus. The Minotaur is in the diary room. Minotaur, how do you feel about being one of three contestants remaining?
“It is bitchin’! Watch this space, bitches, cos Asterion, The Shining Star, is going to win this shit! I mean, have you seen my competition? One fine bitch whose good for nothing but looking at and some prince who’s like twelve. I dunno how old he is, don’t care either cos he’ll be gone by tomorrow. Little shit challenged me to a fight cos I kept hitting on his girlfriend. Like he’d even know what to do with her, you know what I mean? He gets me so wound up, strutting around like he owns the Labyrinth with his big ball of yarn. I think he’s over compensating for something, you get me? And did you see when Ikaros failed his challenge, high and mighty Theseus was laughing at him. I mean, I thought it was funny but I wasn’t going to laugh until he’d actually like died. I think he sabotaged it right, cos he helped Ikaros put his wax wings on, then they melt and he falls to his death, somethings not right, you know? The poor little shit was twitching on the floor, every bone in his body broken and that shithead Theseus just laughed. He’s a right bastard, you know? He doesn’t deserve a bitch as fine as that Ariadne. Damn she is hot.”
Day thirteen in the Big Greek Brother Labyrinth and there are only two contestants remaining in the Labyrinth. Ariadne is in the diary room complaining about Theseus again. Ariadne, why don’t you tell Big Greek Brother about it again?
“I’m not just complaining about Theseus you know. I was complaining about your bloody producers as well. I mean, just who do they think they are? Gods? They said that if couples came on the show we’d be able to win together, but now they’ve gone and changed the rules so I have to compete against my own fiancé! Not that that’s a problem anymore since the bastard dumped me. I’m sorry, I promised myself I wasn’t going to cry over him. Do you know what he said to me? He said, ‘Look babe, it’s not you, it’s me.’ That’s what every guy says when they’re leaving you for another woman. He’s swears blind there’s not another woman involved but I know. I’ve seen his phone, he’s been sexting my sister. My own flesh and blood! I wish I’d never introduced them on FaceScroll. We weren’t even allowed to bring our phones into the Labyrinth! How did he get it past security? That Cerberus can sniff out a phone a mile away! I’ve got a good idea how he got it in the sick pervert. He’s worse than that Satyr that chased poor Eurydice to her death. Gods that was brutal, this whole show is just utterly barbaric. I can’t believe I let Theseus convince me to come on the show! ‘It’ll be a laugh,’ he said. Well it hasn’t be a laugh at all! Everyone’s dead, my fiancé dumped me and the milk’s off. I’m not even sure it was ever milk, it always tasted a bit funny. I haven’t had a cup of tea in three days and I am stressed out! Still, I’m meeting one of the producers later, he’s invited me to share some wine with him, Dionysos I think his name is. He seems nice but I swear he was drunk when I was talking to him earlier.”
The final day in the Big Greek Brother Labyrinth and Theseus is in the diary room being interviewed. Theseus, tell Big Greek Brother how you feel about winning Big Greek Brother Labyrinth.
“Sup fools! I am buzzin’! Who’d have guessed I’d win Big Greek Brother Labyrinth? I’ll tell you who. Me! Like there was every any doubt in anyone’s mind that I’d win, especially after that pretty boy, Orpheus, got shredded by his groupies. I’ve never seen women get so pissed off at anyone, it was hilarious. So did you see me take on that weird bull guy? I taught him not to hit on my woman! He kept taking the piss out of my ball of yarn too. I mean, seriously, it was a present from my girlfriend, I figured it would bring me good luck and it totally did! He stopped taking the piss when I started strangling him with it, I thought his eyes were gonna pop out of his head. It was crazy, but he was no match for Theseus, Athenian Hero! It was too bad about Ariadne though, I mean she was a great girl, but her sister, Phaidra, is just something else. We’re getting married once I get out of here and I am going to show her what a real man is! Oh yeah, Ariadne, she’s happy now, I guess. I mean she’s not with me but she’s settled for someone else. I don’t think she’ll get over me any time soon but that Dionysos should keep her busy, you know? I hear he drinks a lot too. I mean, I thought that Minotaur drank a lot, but word on the street is that Dionysos drank seventeen kegs of White Bull and was hardly drunk. Now that is mental! So what, can I collect my prize now? I’m like, super psyched to get out of here and bask in the glory of victory!”
That’s all from this series of Big Greek Brother Labyrinth, we’ll be back next year with a special show featuring the Gods and the Titans. Who will win? Probably not the Titans. And now a word from our head producer, Zeus.
“Hi, I’m Zeus, your top God and head producer of Greek TV. Thank you for watching this year’s Big Greek Brother Labyrinth. We know you’ve enjoyed the show because if you haven’t we’ll spread disease amongst your cattle and crops and you’ll starve to death. I know you’re all looking forward to whatever reality show we’ll bring you next and I am happy to announce that my brother, Hades, will be hosting a brand new series of I’m a Myth get me out of here! featuring all of the contestants who didn’t win this year’s Big Greek Brother Labyrinth. And for those of you who feel as we do about Theseus winning the show, don’t worry. We have a special surprise lined up for him. First, we’ll have Aphrodite curse his new wife, what was her name? Phaidra, that’s the girl, so she’ll fall in love with her step son and later hang herself. He will then pray for the death of his son which my brother, Poseidon will happily oblige. Eventually Theseus will be thrown off a cliff and die horribly because we’re in charge and we thoroughly enjoy destroying your lives if you displease us in the slightest way. If you would like to be a part of any of our reality shows then just sign up at our website, http://www.signupordie.tv or text us your name, age and why you’d like to be on the show to 0800 74468767343. Sign up today or we’ll kill you. Thank you for watching.”
© Jessica Wiles, 2013